Download Your Assertive Communication Toolkit
“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” – Rudyard Kipling
Communication is the foundation of all human interaction. Today, I want to share a tool to help you understand your own style and the styles of the people around you.
One of my favourite coaches, Monica Jonsson, explains in her book Complete Corporate Coaching Toolkit that communication is how we exchange thoughts, feelings, ideas, and information—through the words we speak or write, the tone we adopt, the way we listen, the energy we bring, the sounds we make, and the gestures we use.
Communication is both conscious and unconscious, an emotional transaction that shapes reactions and perceptions. Even silence or withdrawal sends messages, so we are always communicating, whether we realise it or not.
Effective communication happens when both parties feel understood and experience a mutually meaningful exchange. Achieving this requires mindfulness and discernment, which are often missing, leading to unnecessary misunderstandings. To communicate effectively, start by clarifying your desired outcome.
Then consider the other person’s priorities, intentions, and factors such as personality, communication style, gender, culture, and generation. Preparing with these points in mind helps you choose the best approach to maximise your impact and influence.
Your mindset, the energy you bring, your ability to listen, to stay present, to select the right words, and to align your nonverbal cues all shape the outcome of any interaction. How we communicate reflects our attitude and strongly influences how others perceive us.
Recognising that no single communication style works for every person or situation allows us to consciously refine our approach and increase our effectiveness.
Passive Communication
- Not expressing feelings or needs; ignoring your own personal rights and allowing others to do so
- Deferring to others for decision making in order to avoid tension or conflict
- Often leads to misunderstanding, built-up anger, or resentment
- Can be a safer communication option when a conflict may escalate to violence
- Examples include statements like “I’m okay with whatever you want to do”; body language includes failing to make eye contact or looking down.
Aggressive Communication
- Expressing feelings, needs, and ideas at the expense of others; ignoring others’ rights in order to support your own
- Defensive or hostile when confronted by others
- Often alienates and hurts others
- Can help meet your needs quickly
- Examples include statements like “this is what we’re doing,” or “get over it”; body language includes crossing arms, eye rolling, or finger pointing.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
- Appearing passive on the surface, but subtly acting out anger
- Exerting control over others by using sarcasm and indirect communication, or avoiding the conversation
- Limited consideration for the rights, needs, or feelings of others
- Examples include passive statements and body language followed by giving the “silent treatment”, spreading rumors, and sabotaging another person’s efforts.
Assertive Communication
- Direct, honest communication of thoughts and feelings
- Respecting the feelings, ideas, and needs of others while also asserting your own
- May not be effective when interacting with individuals that threaten your personal safety
- People often misinterpret assertive behavior as aggressive – women are often mislabeled as aggressive
- Examples include “I” statements like “I feel…when you…and I need for you to do…”; body language includes eye contact, straight posture, and relaxed gestures.
Download Your Assertive Communication Toolkit
Keep in Mind
Most of us don’t use a single communication style in every interaction; they’re simply tools that you can use to communicate. In general, assertive communication is most likely to lead to respectful and longer-term relationships, so that’s the style to strive for in most situations.
Coaching
During my coaching sessions, I came to realise most of us know how to be assertive in some situations in our lives; therefore, becoming more assertive is usually not about developing a new skill, but rather about applying the existing one in a wider context.
The fact that the majority of us know how to be assertive in some parts of our lives is frequently overlooked and something few people have even considered. We may find it hard to be assertive at work but have no problem at all being assertive with our child, spouse, or parent. I ask to think about those people or situations in relation to them and ask them to tune into that assertiveness state. From there, the coaching can move to how you might duplicate this skill that you already possess in other selected situations.
Please reflect on these questions and write your answers in a separate note:
- What are some situations in your professional life when it would be beneficial to be more assertive?
- What has blocked you from being assertive in these situations?
- Who do you know who is good at being assertive? As you observe them, what do they do when they are being assertive?
- What steps could you take to improve your assertiveness?