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Around six years ago, while working with a coach at Amazon, I first heard the term “assertive communication.” She suggested that it was an area I could improve, but at the time, I had no idea what it meant or how it should show up in my day‑to‑day work.

Back then, I tended to be a people‑pleaser, struggling with imposter syndrome, and taking on too many tasks to please everyone. Those were challenging times in my career.

Looking back, I now see that my experience reflects a broader trend. Research shows that communication styles are often subject to interpretation—and women can face unfair perceptions when they speak up, so they often choose not to. A 2023 study by LeanIn.org found that nearly half of women leaders reported being labeled as “intimidating” or “bossy” when expressing strong opinions, while only 23% of male leaders reported similar experiences.

Imposter syndrome is another common challenge. A survey of 5,000 adults found that approximately 54% of women reported imposter symptoms, compared with 38% of men. A KPMG-linked study showed that about 75% of female executives have experienced imposter syndrome at some point in their careers.

These perceptions have tangible impacts, influencing career growth, visibility, and opportunities. For example, a report from McKinsey & Company found that 21% of women believe their gender played a role in missing out on a promotion, raise, or opportunity to move ahead—compared with 6% of men.

So, what is assertive communication?

Assertiveness means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct, while still respecting others. It helps you express your needs while maintaining healthy and respectful relationships.

Yet, even when women consider themselves assertive, challenges remain. A workplace survey of 500 adults found that 88% believe they are assertive at work, yet 55% reported missing opportunities due to not being assertive enough. In the same survey, 80% of women said they consider themselves assertive, compared to 97% of men in similar roles.

Taken together, assertiveness seems a key skill in navigating workplace dynamics.

What does assertive communication look like in your day-to-day?

Communication Styles

• Passive

  • Respectful: ✔️

  • Appropriate: ✔️

  • Honest: ✖️

  • Direct: ✖️

  • Focus: Others’ needs first

• Passive-Aggressive

  • Respectful: ✖️

  • Appropriate: ✖️

  • Honest: ✖️

  • Direct: ✖️

  • Focus: No one’s needs met

• Aggressive

  • Respectful: ✖️

  • Appropriate: ✖️

  • Honest: ✔️

  • Direct: ✔️

  • Focus: Your needs first

• Assertive

  • Respectful: ✔️

  • Appropriate: ✔️

  • Honest: ✔️

  • Direct: ✔️

  • Focus: Needs are equal

Tips for Assertive Communication

• Use “I” statements

  • Description: Express how you feel without blaming. This reduces defensiveness.

  • Example: “I feel concerned when the report is submitted late because it affects our project timeline.” / “I feel disrespected when you arrive late without calling.”

• State your needs clearly

  • Description: Don’t assume others know what you want — say it directly.

  • Example: “I need the client presentation draft by Tuesday so we have time to review before the meeting.” / “I would like you to call when you know you’ll be late.”

• Stay present-focused

  • Description: Avoid “you always / you never” and past issues. Focus on one situation.

  • Example: Focus on the current behavior only. “Let’s focus on today’s meeting and how we can address the budget issue.”

• Use positive body language

  • Description: Speak calmly, maintain eye contact, and keep an open posture.

  • Example: Calm tone, relaxed posture, steady eye contact. 

XYZ Formula – I feel X when you do Y in situation Z, and I would like…

• I feel concerned

  • Behaviour (Y): when reports are submitted late

  • Situation (Z): because it affects our project timeline

  • Request: I’d like the report submitted by Tuesday so we have time to review before the client meeting.

• I feel frustrated

  • Behaviour (Y): when meetings start late

  • Situation (Z): and we lose valuable discussion time

  • Request: I’d like everyone to join on time or notify in advance if they will be late.

• I feel anxious

  • Behaviour (Y): when feedback isn’t shared

  • Situation (Z): during our weekly check-ins

  • Request: I’d like us to dedicate 10 minutes in each meeting for feedback on my work.

• I feel unclear

  • Behaviour (Y): when priorities change

  • Situation (Z): without a heads-up

  • Request: I’d like a quick update email whenever priorities shift.

• I feel concerned

  • Behaviour (Y): when tasks are reassigned

  • Situation (Z): without explanation

  • Request: I’d like a brief discussion before tasks are reassigned to clarify expectations.

• I feel disrespected

  • Behaviour (Y): when you’re on your phone

  • Situation (Z): at night when I’m trying to sleep

  • Request: I’d like you to text instead after 10 pm.

• I feel uncomfortable

  • Behaviour (Y): when you bring someone home

  • Situation (Z): without discussing it with me

  • Request: I’d like to know your plans in advance.

• I feel anxious

  • Behaviour (Y): when we don’t discuss my research

  • Situation (Z): in our weekly meetings

  • Request: I’d like us to reserve time for it each week.